What: Is A Promise?

       I've always been told that keeping a promise is the one thing you should always do. My brother doesn't realize this but one day he will get the $50 I owe him, we made a deal, a type of promise, or oath, and I'm going to give him the money I owe him. My parents always tell me that if they promise me something they'll do whatever they can to make it happen, because of that statement I wish they'd promise me a lot of things. Maybe then I would feel a lot better about the things they tell me. Maybe I'd trust it a little more. Really...What is there to trust? Parents say things they don't mean all the time...They say tell their children that they say things they don't mean, but what could they be talking about? The things the child holds on to, keeping them close to their hearts, or the not so meaningful things? What a question...

       A promise is sacred. An oath you give to someone. It's something for the person to hold on to. When you break a promise you break someone's spirit...You break their heart really. So why break a promise? Why promise something at all if you know you can't keep that promise in the first place?...So many questions. 

       I feel like I'm venting in this so I'm going to end here. Tell me. What IS a promise?

Is: There Such Thing As A Happy Birthday?

       I feel as if "Happy Birthday" is a false statement. Is there really such thing as a "Happy" birthday?... Today's my birthday, and I feel as though everything's turned against me. I don't feel like today's as happy as people tell me it is. My birthday...My birthday. Who would've thought that I'd be here typing this entry about how my birthday turned out to be one of the worst days of my life. I've never cared about the presents, the people all around, or the fact that I've even aged a year. I just never want to be burdened by the people in my life...But I feel as though every year the same thing happens: I end up crying myself to sleep. 

       My grandmother past away on my birthday years ago...it's always stuck with me. It's never going to leave me. There's no way for it to. Just with that being on my brain every year is enough to drive someone like me to tears...every year when I wake up at midnight to wish myself a "Happy" birthday. That's not the only thought that comes to mind every year...There's another that's on my mind almost everyday. The fact of growing older and still being the same. The same person everyone seems to be ashamed of. Sure, the family doesn't say it, but the way they all act towards me...A complete stranger would be able to see it. It's sad when an acquaintance comes up to you and asks if you're alright after they see how much of an oddball you are in your family, how much you're family treats you as a kind of outsider, even those who swear up and down they never will. 

       All I'm trying to say is...maybe there is such a thing as a "Happy Birthday"...Maybe someone in the world has one every year with nothing going wrong. MAYBE. Just maybe. I just know that's not how this is going for me. It went great at first...I didn't think anything would change my mind...But now as I write this I'm close to tears...Just like I am every year. EVERY year. If someone asked me what my birthday wish was I'd say: To have a "Happy Birthday".....You'd think that's an easy thing to be done, but October 25th is proof that that's not true at all.

       I'm telling you I don't believe in "Happy Birthday" but hey...You're not me I'm not you. Is there such thing as a Happy Birthday? You tell me....